This post is just going to be a bunch of random rambling..

Finally have my laptop back and working.. it has been over two months since it broke down on me, now I have to get use to starring at it's small screen again .. something I use to be accustomed too. Happy though. I finally get to transfer 1.5GB of pictures I have on my memory card off and what not, finally send pictures to everyone. But otherwise life has just been boring and actually quite depressing, that or helping in showing me how lucky and fortunate I am? Maybe, but I'm a very pessimisic person .. yes, the bottle is half empty.

In the last couple days I've worked over thirty hours, I'm extremely tired, I haven't worked so hard in a while or ever actually. But what can I do? I need the money.. but then again my parents confuse. One second I'll feel like they've completely cut me off financially, the other moment they (as in my mom) won't stop buying me stuff. Confusing, yes but whatever, I'm nineteen and don't want to rely on my parents anymore .. I ask for freedom, so I should be able to support my freedom myself. Right? But it's hard.

Confusion is all around me.. every thought I have is just utter confusion...

My dad, yes my dad .. some moments I hate him, some moments I can't even stand the thought of him.. his voice or anything about him, but other moments I feel so grateful towards him, understand his loneliness and love for me, but what am I suppose to feel towards him? I feel so bad for treating him so coldy sometimes but I can't understand a father who sometimes truly never thinks about his family, only his own feelings .. although they're all on impulse from his extremly low tolerance but still. I just will never understand him and nor am I sure will I ever truly accept him. It's all pure love/hate and sometimes I feel so justified to hate him but other times I hate myself for having such resentment towards my own father but what can I do? A lot but I don't know where to start and how to start. One day, maybe things will all change but who knows when that will be.

I really do my life for granted.. I'm a very blessed person, although I know this I have never truly been thankful for it, besides in certain heated moments. I always feel like God hasn't been fair with me but in all honesty, God has nothing but fair and blessing towards me. Moments ago my sister told me this girl I knew from freshmen year of college has leukemia and has been told by doctors she only has a few more days to live. How surreal and cruel is that? She's only twenty but she's already lying in her death bed. Can I be thankful that I've only met her a few times? It's still hard either way to learn that anyone you ever knew has passed away, especially anyone who is your own age. I will pray for her tonight, whether for God to give her a second chance or begging God to let her go peacefully. This isn't the first time I've known someone who has been told by doctors they only have a few days to live, this person today is still alive and doing so well. I can only pray that this same miracle will happen again.

Life is so short .. why can't I just cherish it? I always feel one thing and then do the complete opposite. All these petty problems I have are nothing compared to what others are going through but what can I say? I can be extremely selfish .. shocking? I've been told some many times that I'm 'selfless' but no person truly is selfless. Seriously.

I met this person in Hong Kong, this person truly was both beautiful and great for me. Although we knew I was going to have to leave HK, we became very close. I truly miss this person so much. I thought I could replace this person with what I have back in the US but for now I can't. I miss this person so much and might slightly boarding on crazy/insanity but I will let go and move on. There won't be a replacement but maybe someone even better for me, I have this person but I just need this person to understand my feelings about this and to not hate me for whatever this is.

And with my other far too personal bitching posts, this will be gone in a few days.. I just needed to get this all out ..